"Never date a guy you know you're going to hate. ...Actually, don't date at all. Why take the risk?"
Alright. Games. Now. Go!
1. Fast Runner. About half of the games on here include a title screen, and this one decided to use a poorly-copied picture of the Mach 5 as its title. ...Despite being called "Fast Runner". ...Also, this isn't going to be the last instance of Speed Racer on this console, so better start that Speed Racer counter!
As you can guess, this is a top-down racing game where you control this red car on its quest to crash. ...A LOT! When going through these games, I actually gave them the benefit of my attention and tried to complete at least the first level to see if they included anything else. ...But this game goes WAY too fast, and you're constantly ramming into obstacles that seemingly pop out of nowhere. They don't kill you outright, but they stun you long enough for a good chunk of fuel to run out, and you're left with practically no chance to reach the end.
There are fuel cans that are also strewn all over the road, but picking one up gives back almost nothing, and that's if you're lucky enough to run one over. But even ignoring the stupid difficulty, you're left with a bare bones "racing" game where the goal is just to outrun the timer. This game genre should have been left to die with the Atari 2600...
2. Rally Racer. Another game with a title screen, and already another instance of the Mach 5, which fits in even worse here since this is a MOTORCYCLE game! ...Also, they couldn't decide on which font to use, so "Rally" and "Racer" are different designs and angles. ...In fact, considering "RACER" is clearer than Rally, and was clearly added later, plus it's in all red and in the middle of the screen, I'm wondering if "RACER" is another language's word for "REJECTED"?
The game here is, big shock, another racer game, with graphics clearly stolen from the Genesis version of Road Rash. Sadly, everything that made that game good, like being able to knock other racers off their bikes, is absent, and instead plays almost exactly like the last game. Drive down the road, avoid obstacles, and beat the timer to the finish! This game is so original, I'm surprised Konami hasn't bought the rights to it...
Since this game is in a behind-the-shoulder third-person perspective, it was much easier to see and avoid upcoming obstacles, so I eventually managed to complete the course within the allotted time! ...And then the game started over. ...Victory?
3. Bullseye. The first game on here to NOT have a title screen. It's a standard top-down scrolling shooter, where you control this jet and shoot down waves of different enemy formations until finally, you... Destroy the enemy base? Save a war torn planet? Pick up your pizza order? ...They sort of forgot to program a point to this game...
As generic scrolling shooters go, this one's passable, I guess. There's variety to the enemy attacks, there are powerups to strengthen your weapons, and the graphics are some of the easiest on the eyes this console offers. It might have fit in as an early NES game. ...Too bad it was released in 2004!
Plus, it's too short and aimless. After a bit of flying, I reached the end boss(who again, isn't that bad a design AND he has variety in his attacks), and eventually defeated him. ...And then he pops up again later. And again. And again. And AGAIN! There's as much of a goal to this game as Hong Kong 97. And far less entertainment value.
4. Space Warp. Another shooter, only this time, it's set in space and it's side-scrolling. You control this little blue ship, shooting waves of little enemy ships and asteroids on your quest to the edge of the galaxy! ...And it'll probably take you as long to get there in this game as it does in real life...
Once again, this game seems to go on ad infinitum, with the only boss this green menorah on its side that appears over and over again at certain parts of the level. Even the powerups are similar to the last, being comprised of double and spread-shots. So if you thought the last game was good, but you REALLY wanted it as a side-scroller and set in space... Please go to GameStop and pick ANYTHING off the shelves to learn what quality is...
5. Critters. Hey, kids! Do you like catching bugs, but are too lazy to actually go outside, and your parents are too cheap to own an actual game console? Don't worry! JungleTac has you covered with this bug-catching simulator! Guide a hard-to-control net around the screen and catch every brown butterfly you see! ...While you're apparently in a helicopter over the orange marmalade desert! ...Maybe Paddington finally snapped and took over the world?
But yes. Catch all the butterflies, but ONLY the butterflies. Catching a bee or a hummingbird results in a life lost. ...You know, besides the life you're slowly losing playing this game...
...No, I don't...
6. Pipe. Not one of those Pipe Mania clones you see in games like BioShock. Instead, you guide a ball through these pipes(?), avoiding the holes until you reach the finish. ...But, once you get the ball rolling, it has a mind of its own, so don't expect to easily round corners in this game...
Besides being boring, this game is infuriating, due to not being able to tell what paths are safe! It may LOOK like you navigate around these holes, but if so much as one pixel touches them, you lose! There's only one way you can reach the end, and that's through trial-and-error as you test each path, finding the ones where the holes are small enough to squeeze around! ...Or you just DON'T play. That's an option too.
7. Roller Board. Ever played one of those wooden labyrinth games where you roll the ball to the goal without falling in the holes? Well, rework the concept to where you're SUPPOSED to fall into certain holes, and that's this game! ...And that's all I have to say about that.
8. Track Ball. No, it's not a manual for a computer mouse from the 90s. It's actually almost EXACTLY like Pipe, only this time, there are no holes(HURRAH!), and you're instead rolling around a maze, avoiding obstacles to collect a key and unlock the exit(...hurroo...)
To the game's credit, there are a number of powerups and obstacles, and another is placed in a random spot on the board when one is picked up, so there's a bit of strategy and thrill in discovering where they are, what will appear, and if you can get around an obstacle using the powerups available! ...Well, it's the best I can give any game so far...
There are even distinctive different levels! Now you challenge yourself and try to solve the many different puzzles this game offers! All FOUR of them! ...And then it just repeats with no difficulty spikes... Next...
9. Sky Patrol. Another game with a title screen(thankfully NOT Speed Racer-themed.) ...But a screen with no title... Instead, we have a still image of what looks like something that belongs in the Apocalypse Now NES tie-in. ...What, that's not a real game? ...Why not?!
This is even a game that has its own menu screen, where you get to pick between One and (alternating) Two Players, see the Top Score, and exit out when you've had enough! Guys, you're giving too much effort here. Please get back to programming your latest Wireless "X" console...
Despite the title screen showing a jet, you're instead controlling this little pink fly in gameplay identical to Bullseye. Only here, there are more powerups, enemies come at you one at a time, and you have a secondary weapon that clears the screen if you have a charge.
However, this game not only has end-level bosses
But different levels, each with their own end-level bosses! This is possibly the most elaborate game on this console so far! ...And it's RUINED by not being able to see anything due to the horrible color schemes and the clipping problems, resulting in a LOT of sprite flicker that renders ships and projectiles invisible at times! You were SO CLOSE!
...Or maybe not, as there are only three different levels before it repeats. ...Sky Patrol? How about Quality Patrol?
10. Race n Chase. The title screen here shows three kids, all driving brightly-colored cars(and two of them driving the exact same model). The colors they use here are surprisingly decent, and are comprised of shades that are actually nice to look at! It's like they could afford to bring in competent designers for two seconds! ...It's too bad they wasted theim on an absolutely boring title screen...
Here, you're a red car, driving around a maze of town roads, looking for a certain number of flags, while trying to avoid the blue cars. It's like Pac-Man! ...If Pac-Man was designed by Playskool...
You do have a limited amount of bombs you can leave in the road to briefly stun the other cars. ...However, you can also end up running into them if you make a wrong turn or box yourself in. So don't leave bombs in the street to begin with. A life lesson for all of us.
This is another game with a number of different levels, AND tougher obstacles as the levels progress. ...Unfortunately, the enemies are programmed with almost perfect tracking skills, and can end up boxing you in, so unless you ate a bowl of horseshoes and lucky clovers(and I'm not talking Lucky Charms), Level 4 is likely as far as you're getting... Still, at least it's not another racer or shooter.
11. Jungle Protector, on the other hand, IS another shooter. And another game with a title screen, sans title. ...I don't even know what I'm looking at! It's mostly blue sky, clouds, trees, and... Are those people, statues or fenceposts? If they're people, are they soldiers, or robots threatening islanders? Are they at tables or carrying stretchers? Are they actually hammocks between two dying trees? WHAT IS ANY OF THIS?!
It's irrelevant, anyway, since the game actually takes place over a pond, where you're controlling a disturbingly phallic-shaped rocket, shooting down giant insects(including the butterflies from Critters.) It's pretty much exactly like Sky Patrol, only the enemies come in squadrons that fire bullets at you no matter where you are on the screen, making it VERY difficult to complete a level!
Also, the game introduces these ground enemies that can only be hit using the secondary weapon, giving the whole game more of a Xevious take. ...And I hate Xevious...
At least they're consistent with their insect theme, as the end-level boss is a giant fly(bee?) that shoots a spread of projectiles at the ship. If it turns out this is actually a game tie-in to the Ray Harryhausen Mysterious Island movie, I might take back everything bad I said!
...Or not, since I nearly instantly die when I reach the second level...
12. North Territory. Again, a title screen without a title, just a picture of a helicopter. ...Were the designers just on a Saving Private Ryan kick on the same day they were commissioned to make these cards? ...I guess we should be lucky they didn't have Triumph of the Will on hand...
I admit calling Sky Patrol and Jungle Protector the same game was a bit of a stretch, given the differing attack patterns, powerups, and score layout. But North Territory IS the same game as Jungle Protector, just with a change of sprites to make the main fighter and most enemies more bird-like. That's it! It plays EXACTLY the same as Jungle Protector, right down to the same score bar at the bottom of the screen!
It's so similar, I'm wondering if they didn't pull a Super New Year Cart 15-in-1 and split one game, Titenic in that case, into two? I don't think you're actually required to create a 50 game console, guys! Or did "49-in-1" not have the same ring to it?
The end boss is even against a spider. ...A freaky-as-all-hell spider at that! ...Anyway, it killed me. Next.
13. Get Home. An animated menu screen, a two-player mode, AND a password system to continue progress?! Oh, you spoil us, JungleTac!
...It's just too bad I can't even get past Level 1! You're a penguin, presumably horribly lost, wandering around a maze, with the only way to defend yourself this weird red, throbbing projectile. ...Presumably, the penguin went out for some Bubble Yum and got lost, so it now has to use its stash and bubble-blowing abilities to get back. ...He'll be switching to Juicy Fruit after this...
I have literally NO idea how this game works! The penguin just wanders around, avoiding enemies, and sometimes picking things up. Some things can be picked up, some things can't, and whatever's picked up causes a different image in the top left. I pressed every button, stood in front of everything, and noticed NO change at all. Plus, the gum is useless on a lot of enemies and they'll kill you in seconds due to no post-hit invulnerability. If any of you know what the flying fish is the case with this game... Don't bother. I don't care...
14. Solaria. ANOTHER top-down shooter, and one that also contains a title menu with Player options and a score table. Because if they're going to include 5 dozen shooters on one console, they're going to be consistent! ...Except for when they forget...
Actually, in all honesty... This is my favorite game on here. I'm trying not to use GIFs due to the amount of games I'm featuring in this review, but let me just say that this game not only comes across as the most complete, but the most elaborate! An opening cutscene, various choices of weapons with powerups to strengthen each, a MULTITUDE of different enemies, each with different strategies and attack patterns, a background that actually looks like space AND changes as you progress! If they just fixed the sprite flicker and gave it some actual music, this might be one of the best old-school shooters I've ever played! ...I don't play many top-down shooters.
There are even different end-level bosses, each with unique designs, weapons, and attack patterns! I don't know how they did it, but they implemented a thing known as "fun" into one of these games! I'm actually tempted to go back and play this game through, I'm so blown away by how well made it is!
Still, it's more fun than most other titles on this console. If you're playing this console, presumably because you're being held at gunpoint by a raving lunatic who thinks that you killed his pet hamster and playing this console is the only way to get the Martians from Andromeda to grant him rejuvenation powers that'll bring the hamster back to continue to whisper lottery numbers and the date of the end of the world to him, play this game! ...Otherwise, take the shot in the face.
15. Fire Fighter. We're luckily not dumped back too quickly into the console's lack of quality, as the next game on the list is... Strange. Literally one of the strangest, yet hypnotically enticing, game concepts I've ever seen! There's a building on fire, and the fire department has been called in to save the residents. ...Except instead of smashing down the doors and braving a raging inferno to lead the inhabitants to safety while the other fighters use their powerful water hose to put out as much of the fire from the outside as they can... Two fighters bounce their teammate on that rescue trampoline up to the burning building, where he not only grabs the residents one-by-one by pulling them out the window, but he successfully puts out the fires with his head and butt!
This is SO stupid, yet SO mind-bogglingly insane, that I really have no choice but to call it genius! It's borderline a Breakout clone, but a clone dreamt up by somebody at the split-second their detox ended and there's a flash of inspiration where reality, fantasy, and insanity meet! Again, it's almost worth playing this console JUST for this game! ...I mean, where else are you going to see a game where a magic trumpet can call storm clouds to assist you in putting out the fire?!
Unfortunately, this also isn't a game I'm giving JungleTac credit for, as it's actually an inferior copy of a licensed game called Flying Hero. All they did was rip most of the sprites and put in a less-realistic physics program. ...Still, I'll take ripoff JungleTac over "original" JungleTac...
There are even multiple levels with different settings! Admittedly, I wiped out in Level 2, but this is another game that makes me want to come back and play it to completion! It's the right mix of playability, creativity, and insanity, and I actually find myself recommending this game! ...Just not as a training video. If I call the fire department and they try to put out the fire by jumping on a trampoline and putting it out with their bodies, I'm moving to another PLANET!
16. Speed Racer. Sadly, we must leave the realm of unintentionally inspired games and return to the standard crap of this console with Speed Racer. ...Yes, this one is already tired of the blatant stolen artwork and is just straight up calling itself Speed Racer. Complete with horribly edited Speed Racer head onto a motorcycle. ...Which, as far as I can tell, he never rode, so the Speed Racer tie-in is shaky at best...
There's not much to say, because it's the EXACT same gameplay as Rally Racer, just with a few cosmetic differences and a level select. Simply race your motorcycle to the invisible finish line, and all the time wonder "Why?"
There are 4 levels to select from this time, but the only difference is what backdrop you're racing towards. I did end up playing each one in order, just to see what happens, and after I finished the last one, it kicked me back to the menu. ...So, I guess this is one of the few games that's able to be completed? ...Could have been a little less abrupt with the ending...
17. Bounce. Another game I have literally NO idea what I'm doing. A robot fires tennis balls at me, and I hit them back by pushing the button and a direction. I have no control over where the ball goes, nor where the robot will fire the balls, and I only have 20 to score as high as possible. I know I'm supposed to hit the squares in the middle, but, like I said, I have NO control over the direction, and only sometimes, when it feels like it, will a ball hit. ...And that's the long and short of it. Nothing else to say. Next game.
18. Offroad Racer. A game that starts you off on a menu with three bootleg Fisher Price Little People riding go-karts. Pick either Pippi Longstocking with jaundice, Edward from Cowboy Bebop after a sex-change, or stereotypically gay Mr. T, and you're off!
You then get to drive your PINK car through the most cheerful post-apocalyptic setting ever designed! Sure, the roads are basically rubble after the bombs fell, but you can still take time to stop and smell the flowers and green grass on the way to Thunderdome!
This basically plays like Fast Runner. Get to the end of the track before time runs out, and avoid all obstacles while also jumping over the patches of grass, since they slow you down. Luckily, there are checkpoints that refuel your car if you can get to them fast enough, allowing you to race to the last drinkable water source or whatever the big hurry in this wasteleand is.
Unlike Fast Runner, I was able to finish the race! ...And all that happened was that I was kicked back to the main menu, with a score underneath the character I chose. ...Well, so much for getting Beyond Thunderdome!
19. Challenge 100. The title screen for this one depicts a frog inside a heart made of hearts, that I'm pretty sure is taken from a Jumpstart edutainment game, while the background features multiple Keroppis from Hello Kitty. ...Please don't ask how I know he's from Hello Kitty...
Speaking of Keroppi, you get to guide a sprite of him down a tower that's continually scrolling down. He must land on a solid platform and not fall off either the top or bottom of the screen, nor impale himself on a platform of spikes. It's pretty simplistic, yet strangely addicting. Definitely one of the more "playable" games on this console. ...Though I'd stick with the Rayman Legends minigames...
20. Crazy Hit. Another menu screen, and one that offers a tutorial if you have no idea how to play the game!
Though selecting it simply runs a demo of a Whac-A-Mole-style game, where the computer shows you how to whack the moles(despite the title screen showing a MOUSE), until you reset the console.
When you actually play it, you'll find it's just a standard Whac-a-Mole game, where you point the directional pad and whack the mole before he ducks back down. However, the moles are VERY fast, and there are EIGHT different directions, so hitting enough moles to make it to the next level is a fool's dream at best...
You're better off playing the OFFICIAL Plug n Play version of this game.
21. Dump N Go. Exactly what I'd like to do at this point... The title screen depicts Speed Racer, AGAIN, riding a truck that appears to be possessed! ...The offspring of Speed Buggy and Christine, perhaps?
There's nothing to say about this game, because it's LITERALLY Rally Racer/Speed Racer, only with trucks instead of bikes. Played one or the other(or Road Rash)? You've played Dump N Go!
Though this game did have a weird quirk where if I pushed ANY button before the lights turned green, it would kick me back to the main menu! I don't know if it was a glitch, or the game's way of telling me I was at fault for trying to take off early, but whatever the case, I nearly thought this game was broken when I first played it! ...So this is just to let you know it's not, and you CAN play it! ...Yippee...
22. Elfland. The title screen simply displays "Elfland", while what looks like Casper the Friendly Ghost is popping out of one of the paint cans on the ground. ...Well, it does make me want to know what exactly led up to this, so this is the best title screen so far.
The actual game involves you controlling one of those ghosts, as he runs around the arena, destroying enemies. However, he can only destroy enemies the same color as him, as touching anything else results in instant death, so he has to run to a paint can and dip himself in it to change to the needed color. HOWEVER, it wears off after 3 hits, so he has to continually go back and forth between repainting himself and fighting/avoiding enemies! ALSO, each defeated enemy turns into a devilish cherub-like winged creature, which also needs to be hit for the ghost to collect certain helpful items that increase his score or provide extra lives. Once the arena is cleared out, it's on to the next level, and the process repeats.
This is another game that I unfortunately have to say I LIKE! It's a lot like a classic older arcade game, like Bubble Bobble, where all the action takes place on one screen, and there are certain mechanics that require more than brute force to defeat the enemies and achieve the goal. It's easy enough to get the hang of, yet challenging enough to keep you from getting bored(and keep the quarters flowing from your pocket.) It's just... FUN! It's one of the best games on here, and one of the newer games I've played that could fit seamlessly in with arcade classics!
...Of course, most of this praise isn't going to JungleTac, as this is another of the games on here that they FOR SURE didn't design themselves. It was originally an unlicensed Famicom/NES game made by a company called Tip Top in 1992, and their version was much crisper and more detailed like an arcade game, with better sound effects and music. It also had some form of a story, where two ghosts prayed to a god to be human so they could be together, and in order for that to be granted, they have to traverse numerous levels fighting demons. ...I think, since even the original game doesn't make that clear... Tip Top didn't last very long, and actual copies of the game, even on multicarts, are hard to find, so JungleTac ported the game to their own consoles and cartridges in a significantly downgraded form with inferior graphics and sound, and the story and two-player co-op missing...
And I, for one, am shocked! Since when has JungleTac shown they're terrible at porting games?!
Still, JungleTac consoles are the easiest places to find this obscure classic, and it's not a terrible port, just inferior. Again, this is a game I'd recommend if you find yourself having to play this console. ...Or just download the ROM and play that. ...Probably the better course of action...
23. Gears. Hey, look! Speed Racer! ...Whoa...
Gameplay is virtually identical to Fast Runner, only you're driving a fire truck at 200 MPH! Also, the only obstacles seem to be green fire trucks, which are easy enough to avoid while you're grabbing fuel tanks. So the game's more playable than Fast Runner. ...But it also never ends. I kept driving and driving, with no sign of any checkpoints or finish line, so I'm guessing this is just an endless drive to see how far you can go. ...Those fire trucks better be government overstock and not actually contain fire fighters who are desperately needed over in their own game...
24. Rocket Rider. ...The title screen is boring. Moving on.
It's another game very similar to Fast Runner. Collect fuel tanks, don't crash, get to the end. However, it adds the mechanic of swerving out of control when you crash into another bike, which, unless you're given enough time to right yourself, will result in a fiery death and fuel burned. I still couldn't get past the first level, and everything just goes too fast to comprehend, so it's just as unplayable as Fast Runner. ...Possibly even worse, but I don't want to talk about this game any more...
25. Pro Tennis. ...Title screen from the same guy that designed the Coyote Console logo...
You'd think, expect even, from the title that this was going to be a tennis game. Possibly a straight rip of NES Tennis, like the Virtual Station did with Soccer.
NNNNNNope! Instead, it's sort of a platformer/puzzle game, where you fling a tennis ball upwards, using these floating tennis rackets. It's MUCH harder than it sounds, as you have no control over the rackets, each one goes at a different speed, and the ball has to land PRECISELY on the netting to stay in place. This, coupled with the absolutely disgusting color scheme, will ensure that you don't play the game long enough to get through all 12 balls...
We're halfway through, I need a break, and I'm sure you do too. When you're ready to see the rest, click the link below. But first, another message from Brick Miser.
"Never confuse a mini Creeper for an ice cream cone. ...Is what I would say, if I still could..."
CLICK FOR PART 3
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