...Do I have to talk about 75 more games? ...Yes? *groan*...
26. Hunger Frog. There's a frog with the face of Keroppi from Hello Kitty. And he's wearing a crown. ...Probably bought it with the Aggretsuko Netflix royalties!
You push the button to fire an arrow at these balloons with candy tied to them when they're directly over the frog and he eats them and moves on to the next level. Bam! One sentence! NEXT!
27. Wisdom Heart. The only wisdom present with this console is the wisdom of the con artists who sold it and the wisdom of "I gotta get 25 games done by tonight or my family won't have their bowl of rice for the week" for everyone else...
Sarcasm aside, this is a pretty unique puzzle game. You guide these blocks over these other blocks to match them with blocks of the same color. However, it has to be in a specific order, otherwise you can easily create too big a gap to match blocks, making the level unwinnable. It's a puzzle I've legitimately never seen before, and one that I'd call fun! ...For two minutes, then its gets old and frustrating. ...Especially since I can't tell the colors apart on this screen!
28. Bloxorz. Title by an eight-year-old who hasn't gotten the memo that replacing random letters with X and Z is no longer cool. ...In fact, it makes you sound like an eight-year-old.
This is another unique puzzle game, where you control this 1x2 block of wood, trying to get it to fit into the empty hole at the end. To get to the end takes a LOT of maneuvering, switching between rolling on its side and falling and picking itself up again, and touching the blue area results in a life lost. It's quite tricky, trying to move the block into a position where it can "walk" along the thin paths AND have enough blocks to make it without falling into the blue area, so it's quite a good puzzle game! ...Sadly, it didn't hold my interest for long. I guess I'm too much of a blockhead to get into these types of games...
29. Risker. While Risk-King might have only arguably been a ripoff of Super Mario Bros, there is ZERO possibility that this ISN'T the original Mario Bros. arcade game! Only it's slow, jerky, and stars that goat lion from Risk-King. Besides that, EXACTLY the same! ...I don't even know why I'm going into such detail, you've already played it on one of the dozens of formats it's been released for, so moving on!
30. Airfight. A game similar to the Space Harrier arcade game, or the Caltron Cosmos Cop NES game, it's an into-the-screen shooter where you pilot a biplane and shoot at other planes.
...Actually, you don't even do that. Only two planes show up at any time, and they intentionally try to avoid you! Even their shots don't hit you, and vice versa, if you stay perfectly still! It's a game where the only way to lose is to play! ...If only Battlefield 1 was this easy...
31. Kart Rider. The THIRD appearance of the EXACT SAME GAME as Racing Car or Racing Motor! You're just driving a go-kart now! Moving on!
32. Disappear Birds. Another clever puzzle game. You place these red birds that fire in all four directions in positions where they'll clear the screen of other birds. If you can do it without depleting your stock of red birds, you move on to the next level! Pretty fun concept, actually! ...Except I couldn't make it past the third level, so I'm too much of a bird brain to enjoy this game...
33. Push Boxes. NO! I'd rather die than give attention to a Sokoban/Boxxle game!
34. Bravery Birds. On the surface, it looks like the exact same game as Mushroom Ball. And it is. ...Except it isn't.
For this version, you control a round version of Chuck from Angry Birds as you roll around, collecting diamonds. You have much more control over the character in this game, as you can guide it using the directional pad and make it jump with a button, plus there are obstacles like spikes, pits, and buttons that must be pushed to progress through these much larger worlds. It's another game I'd put in the "not bad" category. ...Not the "games I'd play again" category, but there's something setting it apart from the rest of the garbage on this console, at least...
35. Beware Cross. It's Frogger. They didn't even switch it up with a dog or a robot or anything else Frogger clones like to use. NEXT!
36. Connect Four. It's exactly what it says it is. And, just like the real thing, I suck at it. Just avoid this game.
FOUR-ev-er!
37. Greedy Boies. Another puzzle game. ...With guest title by Flavor Flav...
The concept is a little lost on me. From what I can tell, you guide these marbles to collide with one another to form one, but in an order that will eventually put it on a path that will send it to the animal on the top/sides. ..I think. That's what got me through the first two levels, but I totally lost on the third, so what do I know?
38. Impossible. Ever played one of those "Impossible" games the internet likes to churn out, where settings aren't actually impossible, they're just trollingly hard? Well, this console has a version, too.
It's also clearly NOT impossible, since I managed to get past the first level! I probably could have gotten past the second, but playing these games through my camera screen with the console screen appearing saturated put a dent in my skill level, so I didn't bother. ...I didn't give up! It's not impossible! I swear!
39. Flying Bullet II. As the title states, it's almost the exact same as the other Flying Bullet game, only the targets move and you're controlling a cannon to shoot snails and bunnies. They also took out all the gore, so my interest has instantly been lost.
40. Couple Everyday. The same game as Couple Plants, only with generic cartoons instead of Plants vs Zombies characters. The PvZ sprites had better places to be. Like their DS port!
41. The Wall. Have you ever wanted to play Arkanoid with a slow, jerky paddle that has no hope of catching up with the ball? You have? ...You need help...
It's just a port of Arkanoid, complete with different powerups. I like a good Arkanoid/Breakout clone, so this would have been one of the more entertaining titles on here! ...If the paddle didn't travel at the speed of sludge, making it impossible to hit the ball if it bounced to the other side of the area... ...And no, I'm not making a Pink Floyd's The Wall joke. ...It doesn't deserve one...
42. Three Rabbits. Same game as Where Are We Going? and Angry Pigs, just with Bugs Bunny in the lead role. ...Space Jam 2 is a step up for Bugs after this...
43. Demon Warrior. Another game that gained my interest through the title alone. It's a simplistic platform game, where a continually running warrior monk must shoot and avoid different enemies in his way. ...Because the monastery ran out of bok choy or some other reason never explained...
This game is MUCH harder than it sounds. Not only does the monk run so slowly, an arthritic turtle could meet him coming back before he was halfway across the track, but enemies will unexpectedly jump from track-to-track, and things like this chain of ghosts will just pop out of nowhere and envelop half the screen! Unless you know exactly when each enemy will show up and where it's going to jump to, your gameplay will be as short as Tony Shalhoub's Monk's tolerance for dirt! ...That's one of only two monk jokes I have, and the one about the monk, the old woman, and the tub of "pudding" will get me put on some watch list...
44. Destory Bricks. ...Now dees ees de story all about how dees bricks got smashed n crashed n ground...
You're swapping bricks, trying to make rows or columns of 3 or more, while the bricks slowly fill up the screen from the bottom. Again, not a format I've seen before, and potentially an entertaining puzzle game! ...If I could tell red from yellow with this screen!
45. Mushroom Array. ...No, I don't know why it's called that. Unlike Mushroom Ball, there are no mushrooms to be seen. The programmer was just hungry at the time, I guess...
It's just a slide puzzle, where you need to match the character portraits with the outline in the top-right corner. Arguably a fun time killer. ...Except the second level killed me, and I had no more time to kill. ...Except for all the time I still needed to kill for the rest of the games. ...A lot of minutes met their brutal end while playing this console...
46. Montezuma II. Wasn't it The Who who famously sang "Meet the new Montezuma! Same as the old Montezuma!"? ...Well, if they did, they correctly predicted this game! That band was indeed ahead of its time!
47. Rocket Man. And I think it's gonna be a long, long time. 'Til we can get all the William Shatner jokes out of our systems!
You control this kid with rocket shoes, as he dodges balloons, blimps, and wrenches. If he touches ANYTHING, including the ground, he falls and dies. And since he's spared from having to experience this surrealist nightmare any longer, PLEASE TAKE ME WITH YOU!
48. Bear vs. Bald. ANOTHER clone of the Mario Bros. arcade game, except now it's a bear fighting... Something driving a car! I can't tell if it's bald, because the screen is so bright, it makes Monster a Go-Go look like Fant4stic! Again, with how many GOOD ports there are of this game, why even entertain the idea of playing this one?
49. Everyday Eliminate. ANOTHER game of Montezuma, just with icons from Couple Everyday. Because THAT'S the crossover we needed! Not Angry Birds vs Plants vs Zombies!
50. Air War. Just like Raiden, you control a jet shooting other jets. ...And, just like Raiden, YOU'RE IN SPACE! There's no "air" to be seen!. Unless they're flying upside-down at night and we're seeing them from the bottom. ...I want a game based around THAT!
It's a simpler version of Galaga. Just shoot all the "ships" before they shoot you and dodge the kamikaze pilots. Also, turn this off and play one of the million better versions of Galaga out there...
Halfway through, and we're still buried in the junk pile this console has dumped on us! We've seen a lot of clones of games we're familiar with, and even clones of games we've already seen on this console, and we're about to see a lot more! Throw me another shovel, and let's keep digging through the detritus!
CLICK FOR PART 4
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