Alright. We're back, and I hopefully have all the footage I need for this look at the console. ...And I gotta tell you, I have never felt more uncomfortable playing a game than I had playing everything on this console! ...No, I don't mean the content made me feel dirty. I mean that, to play this console, I had to hunch over my filming area with the console in my fully outstretched arms to position it in front of my camera at a reasonable distance so things looked (partially)clear! For up to an hour at a time! During which time, I couldn't turn on the music or videos I usually listen to when I'm recording footage or animating, or even say a single word! If you're grumpy and hate yourself, like me, try holding that pose and shutting up for hours, and, soon after, you'll appreciate everything life throws at you!
Thankfully, it's over. ...Actually, no it's not, since now I need to go over every single game! All 100 of them, double the last multipack console's library! ...Strap yourselves in, people, and here we go!
I'm going to do something slightly different for this look. Usually, I like to present the games in the order they are on the console, but I'm pretty sure most of you are here solely to see what's been promised since this look started. Since they're also in the first 25 games on the console, we might as well get them over with before anything else. So, before we start the list of games proper, let's skip ahead and check out the "ports" of Angry Birds and Plants vs. Zombies.
13. Angry Chicken. Starting things off is this console's version of Angry Birds. ...Just with the characters redrawn by someone's kid in MS Paint...
Interestingly, it seems to be a later release of the game, as the version on the BBL-380 consoles(or at least the one Ashens had) use the actual sprites(or redrawn, scaled-down versions of them), as well as the actual title screen, just slightly altered to "Anger Birds"(which, as we saw in the Bootleg Angry Birds showcase, is also the name some versions of the Famicom Angry Birds use.) I'm guessing BaoBaoLong was worried it would get some undue attention from its blatant Angry Birds clone, so they later released the "Angry Chicken" version to keep things from getting too obvious. ...However, they left the theme music in, so...
For those of you scared off by the actual Angry Birds game and its hundreds of levels, this version only has 10 levels to get through. TEN WHOLE LEVELS! If this was a smartphone game, you could install it, play it, and fully complete it all before your bathroom break was over! In other words, this is the "employer friendly" version of the game.
And while they redesigned the bird sprites, they left in the pigs from the real thing. ...This is a more obvious and blatantly stolen clone than half the games on Steam...
The best way I can describe how this version of Angry Birds plays is as a 16-bit version of the Famicom Angry Birds game(and I'm not taking about the Angry Birds Genesis/Mega Drive pirates we've already seen). Like that game, there are only a few positions to fire the slingshot from(in this case, 11), so you don't have to worry about a power meter or the infinite possibilities of the actual Angry Birds physics engine!
Just pick a direction, fire the bird, and, if you picked right, kill the pig! Bacon's gonna be sizzling tonight!
Like with the real game, later levels also include birds with powers, such as Chuck's country cousin, here, who has stolen The Blues' ability to split apart and hit multiple targets at once.
And Blackface Bomb, who explodes upon impact. After the homebrew Angry Birds Genesis game, this is only one of TWO Angry Birds pirate games to include the birds' special abilities! ...Unless you count BMB's Angry Birds games and the varying amounts of damage each bird can take. ...Which I don't...
Besides the environment reacting to the different ways the birds hit it, such as sending a block flying into a pig, there also exist a few special blocks to help you kill the pigs. As demonstrated in the previous gif, there's a box that sends out blasts that clear everything at its level
And these boxes that hang from a balloon that will drop when popped. I'd ask how these pigs don't notice a freaking iron box dangling precariously right above their heads! ...But these are also pigs that chose to barricade themselves behind structures so rushed and so poorly built, they collapse if so much as a butterfly lands on the top, so we're not dealing with Animal Farm-levels of intelligence...
That's all you need to know about this game! They bring in a few other types of pigs from the real thing, but they all take one hit. Figure out where to shoot the birds, knock out each pig, and clear the 10 levels! You don't even need to worry about 3-starring the game, since they forgot to implement stars! Once you've got it down, the whole game can be completed in under 7 minutes, even less time than it takes to get through Famicom Angry Birds! Forget completing it during your bathroom break! You'll be done by the time you've gotten your coffee and sat back down! And with your need for a quick game on your phone satisfied, maybe you can finally find the time to get me those third-quarter financial reports, Larry?!
20. Angry Chicken II is the EXACT same game. Same levels, same birds, same layouts, etc. The only thing changed is that, instead of bashing pigs, you're freeing birds from cages.
Making this a ripoff of Angry Birds Rio! ...And the only reason they decided to rip this game off is probably that it was one of the few Angry Birds titles available at the time. ...Well, I hope Rio enjoyed this unofficial attention, because it's the LAST time it'll ever get any!
I'd wonder what we would have gotten if they made a ripoff of Angry Birds Star Wars. ...But we already have an answer...
On the whole, this is actually a fairly competent port of Angry Birds! I like it for the same reasons I like Famicom Angry Birds. It's slow, simple, and over in under 10 minutes, but the goals are clear, the gameplay's easy, and there's enough variety to keep me guessing what will happen next. In fact, it's actually a better version than Famicom Angry Birds, since it has more variety with the bird characters and powers, more pig designs, and it actually uses the theme and not an ear-grating 10-second loop of some tuneless bleepy music! Again, that's not to say it's "good", and it does absolutely nothing different or better than the actual game, but it's competent and not frustrating to play, which equals "quality" in the realm of knockoff games. Besides, even if you hate it, it'll be over before you realize you hate it.
14. Angry Plants. This is the other major ripoff featured on this console, and it's obviously a copy of Plants vs. Zombies, even using the main title screen, theme music, and evil laughter. This is again a game we're no stranger to, as we've already seen bootlegs for both the Famicom/NES and Genesis/Mega Drive! Despite being from two competing companies and released years apart, Angry Birds and Plants vs Zombies knockoffs go together like peanut butter and jelly! ...Or vultures and corpses, if you'd like a more relevant simile.
This game plays just like a simplified version of the original title. At the beginning of each stage, you get to pick 7 from an impressive roster of 16 plants, while also getting a glimpse of which zombies you'll have to deal with for the level.
Then it's right into the battlefield, where the action begins. Collect sun, plant plants, fend off the zombie invasion. If you've ever played Plants vs. Zombies, you know exactly how it plays and probably what each plant does. And since there are no changes with this version, your knowledge won't fail you here! ...Though your patience may...
Unlike every other version we've seen before, there are no Sunflowers or any other sun-generating plants. The only way to gather sun is through sunlight that naturally falls out of the top of the screen, which you grab by pressing "B". You're given no sun bank nor indication of how much sun each plant costs, so planning your defense and saving up for the epic plants is a little harder...
Especially with how quickly the zombies invade and how much of a swarm you have to deal with right at the beginning of the game! For a good portion when you start playing, the only thing you'll be spending your sun on will be Potato Mines!
Eventually, you will be able to afford other plants. Kernel-pults, Cactus, Wall-Nuts, Spikeweeds, Cherry Bombs, etc. They all do EXACTLY what they do from the first game(save for the Kernel-pult, who lost its butter stun ability), so if you know how they work from the real thing, you'll know how to use them in this knockoff. ...And, just like the real thing, you'll find yourself relying on one or two specific plants and all but ignore the rest...
Actually, the most impressive thing about this "port" IS all the different plants they give you, and how each one retains its ability(again, save for Kernel-pult). You get the opportunity to change the roster before the beginning of each stage, so you can see for yourself how each plant works. Chompers chomp, Squashes squash, Starfruit shoot projectiles in 5 directions, Chili Peppers wipe out the lane with a burst of flame, they're all here. So it is a little fun starting off each stage with a new lineup and seeing just how their abilities look on this flip phone-quality port!
The only animation they changed for a plant is for the Melon-pult, possibly due to its size and to avoid having to include splash damage. Instead of launching its melons like the other plants in the "pult" family, it sends each one rolling towards the zombies to smash into them like a bowling ball! ...I actually kind of like this change! I prefer the original animation, obviously, but it's an animation that makes sense, and gives the game a bit more of an identity than just being a simplified straight-up carbon copy of the original! I can easily see a melon-like plant weapon having a "rolling" attack, like the Bowling Bulb from Plants vs. Zombies 2, and also doing an immense amount of damage, so well done, whoever made this! You have given your own personal touch to a game that didn't need it! ...Mainly because there's no reason for the game to exist in the first place...
There's even a good variety of different zombies coming at you! We have the basic zombies, including those wearing traffic cones and buckets.
But later, we get Pogo Zombies, which act the same as their original counterparts, and provide a bit of a threat if you don't have enough firepower in the lane!
And later still, we get the Dancing Zombie(bottom-right), who summons Backup Dancers to fill up the field even more! And it's not the afro disco zombie, no no, it's the original Michael Jackson Dancing Zombie, the original design that was quickly cut out due to rights issues! As was prophesied in Thriller, The King of Pop is back from the dead, and ready to shove his Shamone down your throat before tearing it out! Hee hee!
So on the surface, this game actually seems pretty enjoyable. Obviously, it's a watered-down, repetitive, inferior version to the original, with only 16 plants and one location, but it's relatively faithful to the real thing, and it's an impressive technical marvel for what it is, making me want to see where else it goes. ...Unfortunately, it has one fatal flaw that prevents me from enjoying it.
This game is slow! ...No, wait, I'm sorry, it's not slow. It's SSSSSSSSSSSSLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWW! Like the Famicom version, zombies move at one frame a second, and it takes a good 15 seconds to traverse ONE square! You could rewatch the entire The Walking Dead series before a zombie made it to the other side of the lawn! But it's not just the zombies that are slow, as the gameplay is unbelievably slow as well! Like I said, sun only drops from the sky, and it can take MINUTES to finally collect enough to plant another plant! Most of your time is spent just planting Potato Mines, hoping that the next bit of sunlight you get will give you enough for a Melon-pult or even a Peashooter! And, on top of that, each stage lasts roughly 5 minutes, with roughly 4 minutes just sitting around, waiting for sun! It's BORING, and when you're sitting in the position I was in when I was trying to record these games, it feels even longer than it is!
As such, I only had enough patience to complete 5 stages. When it was time to play Stage 6, I felt more dead than any of the zombies marching toward my house... Maybe the game has more to it, but I didn't have the patience to find out, and I nearly ended up with a permanent zombie posture trying to find out, so, as far as I'm concerned, I don't want any more zombies on my lawn.
Still, even with the immense boredom that accompanies this game, this IS one of the better made Plants vs. Zombies pirate ports! I'm impressed that they managed to take the PvZ game and stuff it on a multi-console running on hardware the Nintendo DS version would point and laugh at! The variety of both the plants and zombies, the addition of the theme, the easy-to-use controls, they truly almost work! Obviously, I prefer the original and its sequels, despite how repetitive they also are, but this is an impressive experiment that I'd rank at least as high as the Genesis/Mega Drive version! ...Of course, if you've seen my look at that version, you know that's not the highest of compliments, but it IS the highest I've scored one of these PVZ knockoffs, and that's what it deserves! ...Maybe with another half-point for including Zombie Michael Jackson...
Unlike the Angry Chickens game, this game doesn't have any alternate, slightly-changed versions. Assets show up in other games, but this is the only full Plants vs Zombies game on here. ...Too bad. I was legitimately looking forward to if they'd combine Angry Birds and Plants vs Zombies and give us the first true crossover between the two! ...The one time I WANT these people to screw up, and they're too dumb to do that!
And that was the main feature. What follows are all the other games on this console, which don't come anywhere close to these two(arguably three) in terms of length, fun, or novelty. Therefore, most of the rest of this list is going to be comprised of descriptions where the game will be lucky if it has more than 3 sentences worth of material to talk about! And if you thought the first two games were slow, you have not yet begun to see the pure essence of boredom! Fasten your seatbelts, keep your hands and arms inside the review at all times, and bring a good book, because things are going to be extraordinarily ordinary for the rest of the trip...
1. Star Wars. Right off the bat, and we're already getting stolen game titles! ...Either that, or they thought Star Wars fit as a generic title and didn't realize there's another certain franchise that takes umbrage with others who try to use their multi-billion dollar title for their stuff... ...They had to know what they were doing...
"Star Wars" is a VERY slow moving vertical space shooter, where you control this orange ship, shooting at all the blue ships. They never shoot back, there are no other hazards, and, most of the time, you can just fire repeatedly in the same direction and completely clear out all hazards! And it never ends! ...At least, not in the 5 minutes I played it. Maybe something happens, but it gave me no reason to find out.
Flight of the Falcon is more worth your time than this!
I do like the background, though. It looks like something that belongs in Doodle Jump. ...A game that's surprisingly not on here in any shape or form! ...Missed an easy cash-in, guys...
2. Risk-King. It's the original Super Mario Bros! Except instead of Mario, you get to control what looks like a teddy bear with horns! ...Also, it's virtually unplayable!
As with nearly every side-scroller on here, the screen scrolls EXTREMELY slowly, to the point where you can easily outrun it if you don't stop and wait for it to catch up! And considering how slowly you're already running, you can make a cup of cocoa, wait for it to cool, and finish drinking it before the screen catches up with you!
Pocket Monster for the Genesis/Mega Drive, I'm so sorry for all the things I said!
Things like jumping are also completely messed up. A few platforms are only accessible by double-jumping, but in order to double-jump, you need to push the button again at the PRECISE moment you're at the height of your jump! Otherwise you fall and die. ...And you may just do that anyway, if you pull it off, but miss the landing...
I did manage to find enough patience to complete the first level. ...And that was it. The second level looked exactly the same as the first, with a few platforms moved around, and it was a slow, jerky mess, I felt myself aging! ...Maybe Hotel Mario isn't that bad a game, after all...
3. CS-Fire. A Contra-style game with the same background as Risk-King and the sprites ripped from Metal Slug. ...Not the most farfetched mash-up, admittedly...
This game is IMPOSSIBLE! You move and jump so slowly compared to the enemy projectiles, you'll never move out of the way in time to dodge them! And since you're so tall compared to the other enemies, most of your attempts to shoot them will end with the bullets flying right over their heads! And if you try to shoot them on level ground, they'll shoot first!
My advice? Just go play Contra or Metal Slug...
4. Raiden. ...No, the Mortal Kombat god of lightning didn't get his own game. ...Though would it get any worse than Mortal Kombat Mythologies?
It's another super-bland vertical shooter where you control a jet, shooting other aircraft. ...While in space, apparently... I'll give it credit that the enemies actually fire back in this one, and there are different patterns to their attacks, so there's some variety here! ...Of course, it plays just as slowly as every other game on this console, so "fun" is still a foreign concept!
I actually played this game for much longer than I wanted to, and eventually discovered a boss at the end of the level! ...A boss that shoots projectiles too fast to dodge, so you're stuck getting hit over and over again, saved only by the infinite continues this game has that start you right back where you died! This game has too much challenge, yet no challenge at the same time!
And once you've beaten the first stage, the second stage is the exact same. Fly away from this game as quickly as you can! ...Or blast away. Are we in space, or not?
5. Matchstick Man. A game very similar to those stick figure fighting games/animations of the early days of Flash. ...Remember Flash? Is my audience already too young to remember?
Again, this game is IMPOSSIBLE! Your opponent is programmed PERFECTLY, dodging nearly every attack and pulling off special moves you have no chance of figuring out! You'll try dodging and attacking yourself, only to have your stick back handed to you within seconds!
You have NO hope of even beating the first round, and you'll lose within a few minutes. I'll admit it's the fastest game so far, and the animation's quite good as well, especially for the special moves! ...All the better to watch your stick figure get pummeled into paste...
6. Tank War. A game similar to Iron Tank for the NES. Or possibly Ikari Warriors when you're using a tank. ...It's a tank game. It doesn't matter what it's ripping off, because it's not ripping off any of them well!
The sprites are WAY too big, and the play area is WAY too small! You'll just walk right into enemies without any indication they're there, and once you've maneuvered your clunky tank around into a position to fire at them, you'll have taken quite a few hits! You have NO idea where you're going, what the goal is, or how long the game will be. Just that the controls are worse than Steel Battalion: Heavy Armor!
Take a hint from Private Snafu and call in sick before the battle...
7. Sea Wolf. It's EXACTLY like "Sea Hunt" from the Vs. Maxx 50-in-1. ...That was easy.
Actually, it's even easier than that game! Just keep tapping the button and you'll continually drop bombs, blowing up anything that swims into the wall you've created! As long as you move slightly every so often to avoid the floating bombs, it's as easy as floating down a creek! ...Because this was a game that needed an easier difficulty!
8. Aeronaval War. The EXACT SAME GAME, except sometimes you'll need to shoot missiles in the sky. That's it. NEXT!
9. Wars of Islands. The EXACT same game as Raiden, only you're actually flying over land and sea instead of space! Bail out before the game even starts!
10. Mushroom Ball. A game with a title that sounds delicious. ...I wonder if they still have some deep fried mushrooms at Outback Steakhouse? I'm starting to get the munchies!
It's a puzzle-platformer, where you control this eternally bouncing ball and pick up all the mushrooms on the screen. Not the most original or advanced concept for a game, but one that did hold my attention for a few minutes!
Later levels add additional threats and tools like glass that breaks after one hop and balloons you can float on to reach higher levels. Despite the simplicity and annoying sound effects, I started to enjoy myself! Maybe it's the faster speed compared to most of the other games, or the simple-yet-addicting concept, or the fact so much of the console is devoid of fun that I'm struggling to find ANYTHING to enjoy, but I found myself playing a good few levels! I'll even go so far as to say this game is "not bad." And with this library, that's a Gold Medal winner! ...But I was still hunched over the filming area with dozens of games to go, so I had to move on. My back demanded it!
11. Racing Car. The first racing game on this console, and I'm surprised they waited until this far in to feature it! Pirate consoles are packed to the brim with mediocre racing games, so they really showed some restraint waiting this long to disappoint me!
Remember Fast Runner from the Vs Maxx 50-in-1, and how pointless and unfun that vertical racer was?
Well, this is that game, but even WORSE! All you do, ALL YOU DO, is drive on the left side at full speed! You'll never hit anything, you'll never crash, and you'll NEVER win! You simply hold down the button for 100 seconds, and then you'll be greeted with a GAME OVER at the end.
...I didn't think racing games could get any worse than what we saw on the Vs. Maxx, but here we are! This is legitimately the WORST racing game I've EVER seen! There's no point, no skill, and NO way to win! Just stare at a toy car and make "vrooming" noises for 2 minutes. You'll get the same experience AND flex your vocal cords, so it's automatically better than this game! ...Just... Wow...
12. Pi Wang. ...The title and picture of a panda instantly got me curious what this was. What is it? Well...
It's an endless runner where you control a panda who has to collect these bamboo shoots. Hit the jump button at the right time to make it to the next platform, collect the different bamboo, lather, rinse, repeat.
And, in the case you miss a platform, push the other button to unleash a blast of gas from your rear end that'll give you additional lift! ...Yes, really. This is an endless runner starring a farting panda! ...I could not make this up if I tried! ...Yet, somehow, I love it! This is another game that kept my attention for a few levels, if just by concept alone! It's again a "not bad" game, and is worth at least one play.
Though it sadly isn't the most impressive use of flying flatulence I've seen in Asian animation...
15. Montezuma. Well, this console does remind me of something with "Montezuma" in the name, let me tell you...
With a title like that, you'd think this would be a ripoff of Zuma, right? ...Nope. It's Bejeweled. Match 3 or more, earn points, repeat. It's the same game we've all been playing in some shape or form since 2001, and something we probably have some version of on our smartphones right now. ...In which case, I'd recommend you just play that. ...If it wasn't already obvious.
However, this game DOES have something that other Match-3 games don't: The theme from Cheers playing in the background! ...Honestly, that addition almost makes the game worth it! After all, making your way in the world today takes everything you got! Wouldn't you like to get away? ABSOLUTELY! ...But not to whatever getaway this console is offering!
16. Circus Charlie. ...Yes, we even have the mandatory port of this below-average arcade game in this collection! If you've ever played an unofficial multicart of multiple Famicom/NES games, chances are you've seen this game on there. ...And you never bothered to play it, since it's one of the most boring arcade games ever made! And yet, they not only included it on here, but they actually programmed a port from the ground-up to run on this system! ...This must be the best thing China/Taiwan could get to Super Mario Bros back in the day...
This is based on Level 1 from Circus Charlie, where you're riding on a lion(or dog) and jumping through flaming hoops. However, because the scrolling speed is inconsistent, you're never quite sure when to jump, and you'll almost always hit the first or second hoop. ...Pretty much how the real game goes, so I have to give them credit for another faithful port! ...But not for wasting a spot on this console with it in the first place. Now a port of CarnEvil, on the other hand...!
17. Where Are We Going? ...Exactly what I'm asking at this point...
It's another endless runner. You control this guy, jumping from platform to platform, rescuing kids and dodging spikes and walls as you go. It's NOWHERE near as entertaining as Pi Wang, which I've decided is my go-to comparison for endless runners from now on!
You have almost no chance of making it far in this game. The scrolling is inconsistent and obstacles pop up without warning or instruction on how to avoid them. You'll probably make it past the first few spikes and pits, only to run headlong into this wall of spikes... That's more description than this game deserves. NEXT!
18. Running Everyday. ANOTHER endless runner, and one so badly designed, you can phase through the platforms! NEXT!
19. Racing Motor. The EXACT SAME GAME as Racing Car, only you're driving a motorcycle! NEXT!
21. Air-Raid Warden. It's the return of the Metal Slug sprites, only this time, in a Space Invaders-esque defense game! ...That's the long and short of it.
Just shoot up at the sky, hit the Metal Slug aircraft, and inevitably get one-hit KO'd by a missile. ...CS-Fire is looking pretty good right now...
22. Flying Bullet. Another puzzle game, and another one that intrigued me! ...Mostly because getting shot by a bullet would be a better alternative to playing this console!
It's a physics-based puzzle game. Aim your gun, pick a direction, and fire! The bullet will bounce off the sides of the screen and any surfaces, and will hit any enemies in its way before it loses steam. Erase all enemies from the screen before you run out of bullets, then head to the next level.
This is another game I had to see how far I could get, since not only was it slightly exciting, but the enemies explode in blood when hit! ...That is just something you don't expect for a console likely meant for young kids. ...And I LOVE IT! This is what I live for with these knockoff consoles! ...I have very low expectations, yes...
Sadly, I didn't get that far, and hit GAME OVER a few levels in. Still, more entertaining than a Speedy Gonzalez cartoon!
23. Donkey Kong. ...They made no attempt to hide what they were doing with this one! ...Or maybe they did, since it's actually a port of Donkey Kong 3, not the original Donkey Kong. ...That'll hold up in court as well as when Universal sued Nintendo for infringing on King Kong! ...That's actually a fascinating story. Go ahead and stop reading this to read something of substance. ...Still here? K.
It plays JUST like Donkey Kong 3, only MUCH easier! All you do, ALL YOU DO, is go to the middle and continually jump while shooting! Nothing will get in your way, nothing will attack you, and you'll quickly drive Donkey Kong away and go to the next level. ...Which is the exact same as the previous, just with some different aesthetics. You'll quit before Level 4 and go play a Donkey Kong game with more substance. Like Donkey Kong Jr. Math!
24. Angry Pigs. No, it's not a poor man's port of Bad Piggies, nor even a reversal of Angry Birds. It's EXACTLY like Where Are We Going?, just with pigs. ...I'd rather watch the Angry Birds Movie...
25. Couple Plants. We didn't get a reskin of their version of Plants vs Zombies for this console, but they apparently didn't want their assets going to waste, so here we are with another lame puzzle game. But with Plants vs. Zombies characters! ...That add nothing to the game, so they're pointless...
Gameplay is almost exactly like Matching Tiles from the Vs. Maxx. Find two similar pictures either right next to or across from each other, match them up, and free enough space to match more. Continue until the screen is emptied, then repeat with the next screen. It's about as fun as waiting for the ads to finish so you can get your gems in Plants vs Zombies 2! ...Actually, since you get to see new stuff to buy, I'd recommend watching ads over playing this game. We don't want zombies on our lawn, nor this game in our house!
We're a quarter of the way through this console! How's everyone holding up? Good? ...Well, you're doing better than me, then! You're lucky! You only have to read about these games! I had to play AND write about them! And it's not going to get any better! Expect more repeats and knockoffs in the next part!
CLICK FOR PART 3
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